i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's great music for shaving your balls
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
