i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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