whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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