can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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