he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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