I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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