Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
