I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize