She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
false alarm, still single
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
