here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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