he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize