i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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