Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
