I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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