I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
pray to the hookup gods
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize