I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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