So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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