I have demons in me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
