you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
