i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize