guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
