It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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