guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
