im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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