I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize