Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
