we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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