I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
