If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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