He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
