She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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