The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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