pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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