this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
