We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I will be naked everywhere
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize