I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
