I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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