Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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