gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize