I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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