sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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