You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
