i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
