i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
