Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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