his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
