he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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