honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
