Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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