He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize