I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
