Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
