You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
