did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
