worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
