I seem to have left my pride at pride
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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