My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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