How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
