im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
